The Human Centipede (first sequence) - 2009 (Directed by Tom Six)

"A one-of-a-kind experience that is guaranteed to shock and divide audiences, Dutch filmmaker Tom Six's twisted biological horror film, "The Human Centipede" confidently goes where few films have dared to go. In addition to its shocking imagery, the film also features an indelibly villainous performance by Dieter Laser, whose brilliant and demented Dr. Heiter is sure to soon join the ranks of Freddy, Jason and Jigsaw whenever true horror icons are discussed.

During a stopover in Germany in the middle of a carefree road trip through Europe, two American girls find themselves alone at night when their car breaks down in the woods. Searching for help they find only an isolated villa, whose mysterious owner, Dr Heiter, takes them in for the night. The next day they awake to find themselves in the basement, trapped in a terrifying makeshift hospital with another one of the doctor's abductees. Dr Heiter explains to the three of them that he is retired surgeon who had specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first to connect people, one to the next, via their gastric system, and in doing so bring to life his sick lifetime fantasy: 'the human centipede'."

UNCUT TRAILER - IF YOU DARE




AB (via Bloody Disgusting.com)

Mum and Dad (2008) - Directed Steven Shiel

Mum & Dad’s opening title sequence, all jet planes and barbed wire fences, sets the film up as some kind of social-realist, state-of-the-nation, kitchen-sink mini epic. Which it sort of is. But it is also a visceral, nightmarish horror film which seizes on the blandness and anonymity of certain aspects of 21st century Britain and twists them into something utterly unforgettable. It’s all very Shane Meadows, right down to the casting of Meadows regular Perry Benson in the role of “Dad”. This particular actor is never going to be the next James Bond, but it’s to be hoped that he one day gets to play people who aren’t completely scuzzy and grubby and just plain revolting. Meanwhile, here he is, being all those things, and more.

The film’s plot involves a Polish immigrant working in an unnamed British airport. She is befriended by Birdie, a co-worker (played, not all that convincingly, by Ainsley Howard). It is all innocent enough, but there is an undercurrent of menace from the very beginning: Birdie’s questions are just a tad unsettling; her mute brother is also cause for concern, along with her habit of stealing things from the offices she’s supposed to be cleaning. At this point, the film could go either way. It could have been a larky little comedy-drama with a few salient points to make about the immigrant experience. Or, it could have been a nerve-shredding, wince-inducing freak-out, whose brief moments of humour are of the blacker-than-black variety.

Plan B, then. Because, make no mistake, Mum & Dad, for all its faults, is intense stuff. And intelligent stuff, too. The grimness and matter-of-fact horror is brutally effective. The little details (porn at breakfast, the Christmas prezzies, the toe-nail of terror) go a long way to making this film so strong. Its obviously low budget and occasionally weak acting actually help to make it believable. The points it raises along the way, about how easy it is for people to disappear, are as chilling as the gore and the torture. Similarities to the crimes of Fred and Rosemary West are there if you want them, which might put off some potential viewers. I wouldn’t blame them: Mum & Dad is not much fun, but it’s thrilling and disturbing, and very hard to forget.

The Reeds(2010)

Curious movie this one, and one defiantly not to be taken on face value. Director Nick Cohen has created a beautiful looking film with storyline which can leave your mind tangled and disturbed, questioning reality of time, motive and ethics. Somewhat Lynchian in its un-telling approach to cohesive storyline, it will leave you questioning character actions and frame time for some time after your viewing. It's certainly left me wanting to view again to try to uncover further hidden meaning, something missed on the first event.

The plot, as far as can be explained rationally, follows a group of friends on a weekend boating trip in the Fens; a part of the UK which is mainly marsh land with plenty of reeds for things to hide in. The trip is plagued by some temperament of characters, aggravated by some creepy teens hanging out in the reeds causing bother. So this all sounds straightforward; Unruly youths cause trouble with holidaying city folk. Ala Deliverance, Chainsaw, Eden Lake etc. But here we have something different. Once out in the reeds, strange things begin to happen. Time is not as it seems and actions happen out of kilter and this humble film of `happy-slappy' turns into an ambitious ghost story with some memorable spooky scenes.

The main cast here as regular TV actors from the British screens. Some are much better than others but over all, I was surprised at the overall collective ability. Some I've disliked in the past, but certainly won me over here. Notable, Will Mellor, Karl Ashman, Emma Catherwood and Scarlett Alice Johnson. Great performances from Geoff Bell and Anna Brewster. Hats off to Dennis Madden as DP for making the film look glorious and atmospheric which truly is the films strength. The plot does go astray at times but as long as it looks great, I'm willing to see it through and think about connotations and relevance later.

Another important point to mention here is the films moral conundrum which leaves the viewer questioning whose in the right or wrong here. A recluse tormented by youths acts outside of the law. Is this favourable? Are we sympathetic towards the tormentors, now victims? Plenty of room for debate here and defiantly not a straightforward run of the mill film. 

Zombies of Mass Destruction - 2009

Zombies, fun with a political slant?

The movie actually was pretty fun, the humor was great (from Archie Bunker ridiculous, to parody like the Simpsons), and the story seemed pretty cool. Basically a zombie outbreak occurs, started by an Islamic terrorist group, and then the island goes into total chaos with jokes created within the extremes of the caricatures themselves. The main jokes focus around the misunderstanding of the teenage girl's heritage and how the typical "dumb" American doesn't know the difference between a middle eastern American and a Middle Easterner. Also, the gay couple gets it good from "right wing" crazies even though a zombie outbreak is occurring. Anyone that happens to be on the right of the political spectrum are turned into either evil people or the typical uneducated religious, political, or sportman crazy. Anyone on the left of spectrum are turned into stereotypical ethnics, gays, or hippies. The only likeable character out of the whole film is actually the teenage girl who is the type of person you'd see at any McDonald's eating a burger with her boyfriend; in other words, completely normal.

I loved this film when I watched it but looking back I slowly grew to not like it as much as I originally thought. I guess making everyone a "joke" and throwing in the political/religious aspects of intolerance and showing the "bad" in people makes it not as enjoyable or even as funny as I thought. And again, the point of the film was to show the "bad" in people but the "bad" that was shown was more of the exception and not more of the rule as the director/screenwriters presented. So as a result, I have a bad taste in my mouth. The funny aspects were more ripping the right-from-center folks and not seeing the gray in both political sides of the table but simply the black and white.

Would I recommend this film? Sure, watch it and you'll either love it, hate it, or feel as I do. It really all depends on where you are politically. If you are on the left, you'll love it. If you are on the right, you'll hate it. If you think both right and left are flawed but neither are "evil" as the film makers show, then you'll probably be right where I am. But then again, if you go into this film and try your very hardest to overlook the stereotypes of the characters and any political statement presented, you may get a good enjoyable experience.


AB

Twilight - New Moon

Reviewed by Andy B

Twilight - New Moon? New shit, same bollocks!

Rubbish.

Tokyo Gore Police

A film review by Brian Chen - Copyright © 2008 Filmcritic.com

A man's bitten-off penis turns into a cannon that he uses to shoot cops. Seriously -- this happens in one scene of Tokyo Gore Police. And it just gets worse. Remember the horrible nightmare you had after eating that funky brownie that one night? It's kind of like that -- on screen.

Japanese gore doesn't get more over-the-top and perverse than this. In my review of The Machine Girl (which happens to be made by the same team as Police), I mentioned there was enough blood spraying in the movie to fill a swimming pool. In Police, there's enough blood to fill the Grand Canyon. There's one pretty messed up scene where police officers tie a woman's arms and legs to the bumpers of their SUVs, and they each hit the gas and yank her apart. Jesus Christ.

Oh yeah, so the plot. The movie's about a group of mutated humans called Engineers. The mutation allows them to create weapons out of their wounds -- hence the man with the penis cannon. There's also a female Engineer who, after getting her breasts sliced off, begins lactating acid, burning the flesh off her victims. OK, I'm sure you get the picture.

The Tokyo police have become a privatized force specializing in hunting down said Engineers. And, well, that's pretty much all you have to know about the plot. The movie clearly isn't concerned with story, and the characters aren't all that important; the film's goal is to ensure each bloody execution tops the one preceding it. And in that way,Police succeeds (if you're into the whole idea of setting your own goals and achieving them, I guess).

Police will indubitably get you wondering, "Just what is wrong with the Japanese?" I assure you the directors of such films are not insane; movies like Police always contain some artistic meaning (I think). If I remember correctly from my history classes in college -- when General Douglas MacArthur conquered Japan in 1945, he imposed many sets of rules to oppress and repress the Japanese. One law, for example, prohibited the display of genitalia in any form of media. How did the Japanese react? They found ways to circumvent the rules. Think anime porn (aka hentai). Going way, way over the top in Japanese gore films is another way directors respond to repression. Nowadays, despite how revolting such films can be to some American audiences, this genre is more a form of social commentary than rebellion.

With that said, Police is pretty darn intense when it comes to getting its message across. There's plenty of comedic relief (albeit extremely satiric) to get you through most of the film, but sometimes the bloodshed goes on for such long stretches you'll find yourself looking away to keep last night's supper in your stomach.

If you haven't seen a Japanese gore film before, Police is probably the only one you'll ever have to watch to satiate your curiosity. It's not a horrible film; it's not a great film; it's just everything it tries to be -- perverse, grotesque, bizarre -- and a little more. Check it out, but this time don't order popcorn: You'll want to watch this movie on an empty belly.

Black Water -David Nerlich (2008)

Watchable crocky horror flick that makes the most of its low budget and simple set-up, though the characters aren't especially engaging and you keep hoping they'll get eaten.
What's it all about?
Based on true events, Black Water stars Diana Glenn as Grace, a young woman who heads off on a road trip in northern Australia with her boyfriend Adam (Andy Rodoreda) and her little sister Lee (Maeve Dermody). The trio take a river tour of an isolated mangrove in the Outback, but things go horribly wrong when a ferocious crocodile capsizes their boat and eats their guide (Ben Oxenbould).

Panic-stricken, Grace, Lee and Adam all take refuge in a tree and try to find some way of getting back to the upturned boat. However, the crocodile is still hungry and settles in for a long wait.
The Good
Black Water (not to be confused with Dark Water or Open Water) is part of the burgeoning sub-genre of Don't-Go-To-Australia-Or-You-Will-Be-KILLEDmovies that also includes the likes of Gone and Wolf Creek. However, the fact that it's based on true events doesn't really add anything here, other than to hammer home the fact that yes, crocodiles do eat people.

Given that almost the entire movie takes place in a swamp-bound tree, Black Water is surprisingly suspenseful, largely thanks to the filmmakers' decision not to show the crocodile for the first half of the film. For the second half, co-writer-directors Nerlich and Traucki come up with a number of nail-biting ways to force the characters into the water and the commendably non-CGI croc is used sparingly to increasingly tense effect.
The Bad
The only real problem is that the characters aren't especially engaging and an attempt to add depth to Grace feels shoe-horned in and doesn't really work. Basically, by the end of the fim, you'll pretty much be rooting for the crocodile.
Worth seeing?
This is an effectively claustrophobic horror flick that delivers plenty of croc-based suspense. Worth seeing.

Necronos - Tower of Doom

Mark Rohnstock's Necronos - Temple of Doom is looking like 'the' gore fest for 2010. The makers of 'Graveyard of the Living Dead', and 'Dungeon of Evil' bring you what looks like the real shocker of the year so far. Still in production, the film stars the fantastic Manoush and Annika Straub amongst others!

We've seen the totally uncensored trailer of the film, which is very unlikely to recieve any kind of uncensored release in the UK (barring any festival runs). And if you want to see what we've seen......including a very note-able nod to the great Ruggero Deodato cannibal films, then please follow the link. Be warned, it's not for the faint at heart!!!
Chainsaws, cannibals and chics hung on sticks.....here at SFI, we're really looking forward to this little beauty!

Andy Bourne

UNCENSORED TRAILER 

Taxi Driver Remake Rumours ??

A recent report from Variety, about the Taxi Driver remake rumours!!

Berlin and the Internet have been abuzz with rumors of a Martin Scorsese-Robert De Niro-Lars Von Trier collaboration -- and, at least for the time being, they appear to be true.

The idea behind the project is similar to the film "The Five Obstructions" that Von Trier and Danish helmer Jorgen Leth made in 2003. In that film, Von Trier challenged his colleague Leth to do a remake of his own 1967 film "The Perfect Human." Von Trier gave Leth the task of remaking five times, each time with a different obstacle, such as making the film animated.

In the new project, Von Trier will challenge Scorsese and De Niro to remake their 1976 classic "Taxi Driver."

The story took on a life of its own after a Danish newspaper published an interview in which Peter Aalbaeck Jensen, von Trier's business partner and executive producer, said he could neither confirm nor deny the rumors.

"There will be a statement coming shortly," he said -- although another Danish source confirmed the collaboration.

Scorsese is in Berlin to tubthump his thriller "Shutter Island," which unspooled Saturday night here, while von Trier drove down from Copenhagen to be a part of the pre-sales meetings of his forthcoming sci-fi film "Melancholia." That film is to be shot within the next year, so the Scorsese collaboration would probably have to wait.

Over the weekend, when Scorsese was doing press in Berlin, he did not mention the Von Trier project, as discussion focused on features in pre-production, such as a 3D adaptation of Brian Selznick's novel "The Invention of Hugo Cabret." 

Coming Soon - World Cup, Footy violence reviews special!

With the impending World Cup coming from South Africa this summer, we're gonna list and review the best and the worst of the great UK footy violence flick.

From Green street to Awaydays, The Firm to The Rise of the foot soldier!

Watch this space!

The Descent (Part 2) - Directed Jon Harris

Reviewed  -  Andrew Bourne

I was hoping, whilst watching Descent 2, that I would not find myself looking back to the original film and reflecting how brilliant the first one was, and how rubbish part 2 is. Thankfully, that wasn’t ‘completely’ the case. Unfortunately though ‘Descent 2’ is very much overshadowed by it's superbly original and hyper scary predecessor! And it would have taken something seriously brilliant to have topped the first one.

The second film sees us back in the caves of the Appalachian Mountains, and depending on which version you have seen (either the downbeat UK ending, or the more uplifting American one), we see Sarah MacDonald, thrust back into the fun and games of the underground caves. Having earlier found the blood-soaked and delirious Sarah whilst searching for the other missing cavers, the Sheriff, (who is not at all convinced poor Sarah doesn’t know what has happened to the other girls ) decides to drag her back to the underground caves to help out the search party.

What the hell would make Sarah head back down into the hell she had escaped from?

Well, with great convenience, she has suffered a massive bout of amnesia, rendering the events of the first film just a vague, hidden nightmare, trapped and lost somewhere in her confused mind. Forced back into this underground hell, it doesn’t take long for her memory to come flooding back.

Where this film delivers less than Marshall’s brilliant first film is not only in the setting and style of this adaption. Although the film does look very similar to the first ,dark, dripping, unavoidably claustrophobic tunnels whilst the fear of what lies beyond their darkness is still there. It is the overall tone of which Harris’ sequel fails to capture in Descent 2 which is the most obvious, and crucially missing ingredient. Where the first film leaves you with an inevitable feeling of total despair for the caver’s predicament ( you feel there is no way of them surviving what they are faced with), ‘The Descent part 2 has an overall less fatalistic feel to it. Because of this, to me, the whole horror of the first film is therefore removed, leaving a scary (well, jumpy at times) gory genre display. Overall the film has a lighter feel to it, the dialogue, at times, verging on the camp/schlocky, and doesn’t seem to be afraid of being so.

In conclusion, although I started by saying I hoped not to compare this sequel with it’s superb predecessor, comparisons are just inevitable, as the Descent 2 tries to imitate, whilst offering nothing new. And although Harris’ film is an enjoyable, action packed and gory romp, the lack of the original's claustrophobic, dark and hopeless feel lets it down in the end.

THE DESCENT TRAILER

The Lovely Bones – Directed by Peter Jackson (UK release Feb 2010)

Reviewed by Z. Frame

Having not read the bestselling book by Alice Sebold, I’m glad that I can review Peter Jackson’s Film, The Lovely Bones, without the distraction of knowing the story, and the inevitability of drawing comparisons with the book that it would cause me. Having talked about the film with my wife, who has read the book, I could see where the concerns from some areas about this adaption could come from.

“How do you make a PG rated film whose story centres around the the death, rape and dismemberment of a 14 year old girl?” she asked.

The plot centres around a young, bright, teenage girl Susie Salmon (Saorise Ronan) in 1973 Pennsylvania and her family life in this ‘Partridge Family’ era of 70’s America, bad hair and all (especially Whalberg). The wannabe photographer is full of life, minimal teen angst within her obviously loving family life, and in the first throws of a teenage crush with a young British boy, Ray. Susie’s parents are played adequately well by the aforementioned Whalberg, often bordering on the wooden, but overall handling his scenes with dignity and completely believable emotion. Rachel Weisz as Abigail is convincing, but her character seems to be less a pivotal part of Jackson’s narrative as it was, apparently, in Sebold’s novel (extra plotlines involving Abigail are hinted at but never followed up). Susan Saradon, as Susie’s boozed up Grandmother offers some light comic relief within the family, but her role is one of  supporting cast.

Young Susie Salmon, played excellently by Ronan, finds herself bumping into neighbour George Harvey, played with creepy, understated skill by Stanley Tucci, as she walks home from school across deserted farmland. The friendly George encourages the girl to come and see an underground ‘den’ that he had built for use by the local kids to play in. Oh dear. Initially suspicious, but not wanting to hurt George’s feelings, Susie follows him down to the creepy hideaway in the middle of the field. The hideaway is eerie, suggestively filled with teen magazines, dolls, with the feel of a paedophile lair, and Susie makes a bid to escape.

You don’t see Susie’s death, as her anxious family wait for her to return home. She doesn’t get home though. We know she’s dead, but Jackson doesn’t fully explore how she’s died, and I don’t think he needs to. The film flows into a mix of stunning, highly imaginative, creative, stunning imagery as it portrays the teenager coming to terms with her own death, stuck in a form of heavenly purgatory, and watching over the events that unfold within the lives of those she has left behind. Her father, mother, killer, and older sister Lyndsey (played brilliantly and improving as her part in the story unfolds by Rose McIver) are shown to be dealing with Susie’s death in very different ways. I felt the role of Susie’s parent’s relationship breakdown was somewhat rushed over, although this left more time for the developing chase for Harvey, pursued by an ever more inquisitive Lyndsey, and the beautiful, fantastical after-life sequences to shine brilliantly through.

At times darkly horrific, whilst others beautifully heartfelt and powerful ,I found Peter Jackson’s ‘The Lovely Bones’ to be a hugely individual and emotional film, avoiding over sentimentality, and a stunning visual, dream-like feast. It is one of the most moving, touching and unique films I have seen in a long time, very different to anything else out there in many ways, and a superb addition to Peter Jackson’s varied collection of films.

DAYBREAKERS (2009) - Directed: Michael Spierig, Peter Spierig

STARRING: ETHAN HAWKE, WILLEM DAFOE

GIVEN the several hundred other vampire films, books and TV shows it's going up against at the moment, this latest take on the blood-sucker myth deserves some credit for coming up with a compelling, well-executed premise. Ten years into an epidemic t

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hat has made vampires the dominant species on Earth, their constant plundering of natural resources (that's us) has ensured that genuine human blood is in critically short supply. With large numbers of this suddenly starving population set to devolve into cannibalistic vampire maniacs, a workable blood substitute is desperately required to avert chaos. Enter reluctant vampire Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke), a haematologist with human sympathies who works for the biggest blood bank in the country. He's days away from a developing a blood substitute, but when he accidentally stumbles upon a cure, he finds himself taking up with the human resistance and hunted down by his company's evil CEO (Sam Neil). Stylishly made by Australian directing brothers Michael and Peter Spierig, this is a vampire film unafraid to bare its fangs and, with a decent cast and a solid, admirably economical script that packs in plenty of themes and ideas, Daybreakers is one of the most purely pleasurable genre films of recent months. 

By Alistair Harkness

Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (2010) - Director: Júlíus Kemp

Production stills from the upcoming film, Reykjavic Whale watching Massacre, which has to have the greatest name for a recent horror film. Starring the great 'Gunnar Hansen', catch this film at this years Glasgow Frightfest in February!

Trent Haaga's CHOP (2010) In production

We're looking forward to this one here. Check out the link to the all new trailer for Trent Haaga's CHOP, currently fiming.

CHOP TRAILER

District 9 (2009) - Directed by Neil Blomkamp

Reviewed by Zimmer F


FREEDOM FOR PRAWNS!!!

In a time were we are constantly faced with the refugee issue in our real lives. Neill Blomkamps interesting sci-fi, documentary style film explores, with a mix of pure camp humour, as well as touching humanistic insight, the issue of immigration (especially apartheid) set in modern South Africa.

The film centres on the results of an event happening in Johannesburg, when a giant Alien spaceship arrives in modern South Africa, carrying over a million alien inhabitants (named by the humans as 'prawns).

The story follows 20 years on from this 'event', and sees our anti-hero
Wikus van der Merwe (Sharlto Copley), a government employee ,put in charge of evicting the 'prawns' from the grimy, shanty town ghetto district known as 'District 9'. Wikus finds himself exposed to an alien chemical, which starts to slowly turn him into a hybrid of one of the aliens he is hunting down, and finds himself on the run from the evil  MNU corporation that he once worked for.

The documentary style footage, mixed with fake and real news footage, home videos and interviews adds to the overall tone of the film. It starts off firmly tongue in cheek, comical, with the bumbling Wikus and his team entering District 9 on a mission to 'clean up' the crime ridden area. It moves on to a darker and more cruel view of modern day racism and segregation / ghettoism, but still manages to tackle these serious issues whilst retaining it's humour.

Along with the obvious apartheid like allegory, the fims sci-fi action really comes into play in the latter parts of the film. The continuing transformation of Wikus into 'Prawn' allows the now hunted Wikus from grabbing hold of some of the aliens extremely advanced and lethal weaponry (these can only be used with alien DNA), and blasting his way, often gorilly, through the MNU soldiers hunting him down.

District 9 is a fantastically original film, in a genre which has much needed a real injection of originality. With Blomkamp's clever use of documentary style fiming,  real humour mixed with modern cruelty, District 9 is a film which deserves to be seen and enjoyed.

OFFICIAL SITE

Psych 9 (2010) - Directed by Andrew Shortell

An unstable young woman is forced into solving the mystery of her own past, after securing a job working nights in a recently closed hospital, collating records.

It appears that recent events may be linked with a number of very recent murders.

Will she survive?

Directed by - Andrew Shortell

released feb 2010


OFFICIAL PSYCH 9 SITE

Wrong Turn 3 - Left for Dead (2009) Directed by Declan O'Brien

Reviewed by Andy Bourne

It's open season on teenagers as Three Finger and his cannibalistic clan of inbred mutants hunt a group of hikers though the backwoods. When a prison transport bus crashes nearby, the fleeing convicts become the next items on the menu.

The third film in the 'Wrong Turn' series, following on from Joe Lynch's excellent self parody that was 'Wrong Turn 2 - Dead End', sees the 'franchise return to a more standard form of 'Hills Have Eyes' rip-off fair which epitamised the first film back in 2003.

Left for Dead sees a group of young, dumb college kids rafting into the backwoods lair of 'three fingers' and his deformed son's woodland lair, and setting up camp. We don't have to wait long for the killing to start ( a blessing when you compare this to 'Albino Farm's boring first 45 minutes) as the kids are chopped down. The one remaining survivor heads deeper into the woods to try and escape from her deformed hillbilly attackers, as the plot shifts to our next group of prepared victims in the form of Chavez ( Tamer Hassan ) and his group of escaped convicts who are, not only trying to avoid the booby traps and attacks from 'three fingers', but having found a ton of stolen money within the woods, are trying to avoid killing each other off for the loot.

What we are then left with is a bucketload of very gory killings. We here at Schlocking Towers are all for that, don't get me wrong,although what we see is quite imaginative and brutal, it also relies heavilly on one of our pet hates. CGI blood! As each of our characters are picked off one by one, the blood flows very freely, it just looks so damn false at times.

The performances, on the whole, are pretty good, although the standard plot set up was never going to call for much in the way of a performance. Tamer Hassan, as much as we love him here and in general, does not pull off an American accent at all well. But hey, this film isn't out to win awards. The action for all it's formulaic setting never faultered, kept moving at a good pace, and at least didn't take it's time in working it's way through the cast to it's 'twist' at the end.

One thing that I found strange was the writing in of the US Marshalls 'Rescue Team'. If I found myself trapped in a wood pursued by deformed hillbilly mutants, I wouldn't hold out for this useless bunch of hams to rescue me.

All in all, although not a patch on the second film ( It would have had to really pull out the stops to top the maniacal performance of Henry Rollins), Wrong Turn 3 - Left for Dead is a reasonably satisfying 'hillbilly splatter' film that never trys to punch above it's weight.

Just wish the CGI had been toned down!!

The Reeds (2010) - Directed by Nick Cohen

Blood and gore in the Norfolk Broads.

A weekend boating party turns into a nightmare for a group of young Londoners when they stumble upon a terrifying secret hidden in the reeds.

Directed by - Nick Cohen


OFFICIAL REEDS WEBSITE

Released 1st quarter 2010

The Graves (2010) - Directed by Brian Pulido

'Present day. Arizona. Megan and Abby Graves are inseparable sisters that couldn’t be less alike. Megan is a self-assured, naturally attractive, ass kicker. Abby is a cute, caustic, Hot Topic Goth who’s afraid of her own shadow.'

With Megan about to start a new job in New York the sisters decide to take a trip to Arizona where they find themselves lured to an abandoned town called Skull City,

Apparently haunted and full of mysterious secrets, can the girls survive the terrors that are present in this god foresaken place?

Visit the official 'Graves' site

Albino Farm (2009) - Directed by Joe Anderson / Sean McEwen

Reviewed by Andy B


Well...what do we have here?

We have college students. We have them going off the beaten track because their curiosity gets the better of them, after hearing talk of the 'legend of Albino Farm'. We have a town full of crazy hillbilly redneck types, waitresses with pig trotters for hands and sloping foreheaded dwarfs with a taste for scraping roadkill up for a snack.
We have a twisted, bible spouting granny who shocks two of our kids when they catch her breastfeeding a deformed, noseless baby in the town's church.
And we have WWE star Chris Jericho who camps it up as Levi, a hillbilly miscreant who promises to take our kids to the afformentioned Albino Farm on the condition that Melody (Alicia Lagano) gives him and his buddies a flash of her 'thruppeny bits'.

Sounds great doesn't it?

From the moment we meet our four History students (including the lovely Tammin Sursok) at the beginning of the film, you know it's only a matter of time before they are going to be picked off. And in fairness, they are so annoying you can't wait for this to start happening. And this is were I feel this very typical, 'wrong turn' style hillbilly horror lets you down. The film takes far too long in getting to the killing, that by the time you actually get there, you've already started to lose interest in where 'Albino Farm' is headed. The students are given far too long to 'perform', when the acting and their (lack of) story isn't required, because they just aren't interesting enough to hold down any kind of character development.

One area that is, on the whole, really quite impressive, is the 'creature' make up effects and prosthetics by Jason Barnett. The repulsivelive 'Pig Bitch', played by Bianca Barnett for example, are all excellent (when you can see them). And the one quite genuinely shocking part of the film, which sees two of our annoying kids sewn together and then ripped apart is quite a satisfyingly gory sequence.

Overall, what could have been a satisfying, if far from original, hillbilly slasher flick, fails to deliver the blood and guts required. Full marks for the make-up, it's just a shame that they never got a bigger part to play in 'Albino Farm'.

The Violent Kind (2009) - The Butcher Brothers

The BUTCHER BROTHERS (the filmmaking alter egos of Mitchell Altieri and Phil Flores)from San Fransisco, California claim to have been making films since they " found a camera near a car accident".

Previous films by the duo include the excellent 'THE HAMILTONS' (which is reviewed in this site), 'Lurking in Suburbia', and 'Black Sunset'.

2010's 'The Violent Kind' is due to be screened at this years SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL at the end of Jauary.

We are looking forward to this one, watch out for our review coming soon!

Eden Lake - Written and directed by - James Watkins(2009)

Zimmer F

IF YOU GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY...............


You're hopefully not going to run into our, hoody wearing, coke snorting scallies out to happy-slap you, and wreck you're romantic camping weekend!
But if you're our hapless, unlucky, 'loved-up' city folks, Jenny (Kelly Riley) and Steve  (Michael Fassbender), then this weekend, your luck might be about to run out.

This tasty little Brit shocker from James Watkins ( writer of 'My little Eye', and 'Descent 2') sees middle class primary school teacher Jenny, and her doting boyfriend Steve, leave the 'big smoke' and head out on a romantic camping weekend in one of Steve's favourite beauty spots, set in beautiful woodland ,surrounding a picturesque lake. But it's not only scuba diving in the lake, and under canvas frolics that the handsome Steve is after. He is looking to propse to his schoolteacher girlfriend, and has ring and bended knee at the ready.

Steve is shocked to find that his idilic camping spot is now the subject of a proposed building development 'Eden Lake', a kind of gated urban set up. Building work hasn't started yet, but the area is surrounded by high security fencing, and an ominous sign explaing the future plans for the site. Unperterbed, the couple ignore the sign, with added grafitti warnings, and find away into the site via a 4 by 4 gap in the builders fencing.

The couple then find themselves caught up in a terryfying fight for survival with a bunch of 'feral', dangerous dog weilding hoodies, led by the scary Reece (Bronson Webb). What follows is a relentless asault of savage barbarity which, drawing on the popular urban fears of, not only the 'daily mail' view of 'underclass' British youth, but wrongly many of the rest of us. It grabs hold of this fear of urban 'hoodies' and  launches them into the centre of this unrelenting and often shocking film with satisfying, and often excrutiating violence.

Add to that the 'table-turning' revenge thrills, the excellently twisted performance of Bronson Webb (of 'Skins' fame) as Reece, and the satisfyingly black and 'unhappy' ending, Eden Lake is shockingly British, and a film deserving of more than it's 'sleeper' status both here in the UK and the rest of the world.

Defective Man - The 'you can't illegally download it on the torrents site yet' cut

Reviewed by - Andy Bourne

Defective -
Pronunciation: \di-ˈfek-tiv\
Function: adjective
1 a : imperfect in form or function; falling below the norm in structure or in mental or physical function

Man -
Pronunciation: \ˈman
Function: noun
 1 : an individual human; especially : an adult male human

Here at schlocking towers, we believe in the power of the independent, of the camp, the slightly, if not overwhelmingly, schlocky and fun. So when we got the chance to review 'the you can't illegally download it on the torrent sites yet cut' of  SB FILMS 's  ' Defective Man', we grasped the opportunity with both hands.

The film centres on the (mis)adventures of our two main protagonists. The not-so-super DEFECTIVE MAN (Paul Alsing), always speaking in third person and complete with grey one-piece thermals, mask, and red bath towel for a cape. And the sex obsessed, porn loving HORN DOG (Arturo Negro), resplendent in Mexican wrestling mask with huge dildo strapped to the forehead, and equipped with a utility belt consisting of whips, furry cuffs and canned cream.  The hapless pair had earlier found themselves involved in a 'stationary related' chemical accident in the work's supply cupboard, and, having "consumed enough chemicals to kill Hunter S. Thompson", the pair are transformed into a defective crime fighting duo in the workplace.

Well, sort of!

The only problem is, the chemical accident they were involved in ‘didn’t’ really give them any kind of crime-fighting super-hero powers. Instead, they find themselves totally annoying their Company with crap 'super hero' antics. And although the 'un-dynamic duo' were initially tolerated by management ( because they feared breaching any disability legislation ), the organisation struck a deal with our goofy heroes. The pair are paid off with full salary and benefits, for the rest of their lives, on the condition they never return to work again.


Armed with their pay-offs, the pair set up a 'freelance low impact law enforcement agency' which sets out to offer 'crime fighting at basement prices' to the general public. The duo's 'not so secret' lair consists of a hundred square feet in the back of a factory, the shop front disguised as a travel agent.

The couple call on two of Defective Man's equally oddball friends. CAPTAIN ORANGE-PISS (Steve Eckles), who sprays and neutralises his enemies using his 'voluminous' orange urine, and the bizarre half man half fish called BILL GILL ( Josh Saavedra), complete with his own 'Bill Gill' language which has to be subtitled to be understood.

With this, our crime fighting team become the 'Defective Four'. Together they set out to foil an evil, and overly elaborate plot to flood the town using hallucinogenic drugs. The plot is hatched by Defective Man's ex-girlfriend, HEVVY FLO, played by the lovely Haylee Nelson, complete with maniacal and grating super villain cackle, and 'motivational speaker' RONNY TOBINS, the latter played superbly by Trent Haaga.

This Independent, low budget, extremely camp comedy may not have the flash cinematography or polished production values of it's Hollywood equivalents. Far from it. The production is extremely competent but befitting of it's obviously meagre budget restraints. The acting, on the whole, is hammy and extremely camp. 'Defective Man' is meant to be that way. The film itself is undeniably camp and cheesy, and doesn't try to be anything else.
'Defective Man' is hilarious. The characters are born from the bizarre to the ridiculous, especially the 'sex pest' Horn Dog, complete with GHB laced edible panties and 'ninja like' throwing weapon called the 'Dildostar' which he uses to incapacitate enemy guards.

With great set pieces such as a b-boy vs 'superhero' dance-off, a hilarious 'animated' sequence detailing Horn Dog's visions of a cannibal mariachi band after consuming a 'magic mushroom', and the gorgeous Elske McCain  pelting Ronny Tobins' audience with rotten fruit, 'Defective Man' is a triumph of independent campiness.

The film is chock full of heart, obvious passion (it has taken four years to get to this 'almost' complete cut of the film), as well as being very funny (Bill Gill's fish head has to be seen to be believed).
With a promised appearance by TROMA INC's 'Lloyd Kaufman' being added to the final cut (the film itself having a very 'Troma-like' feel whilst retaining it's originality), and a fantastic soundtrack ( I'm liking the punk guitar sound of 'Rebilt'), 'Defective Man' is a triumph of no frills ,camp independent comedy cinema.

As the President of New Mexico says in the film: "Fine job, fine job all"